Thursday, September 7, 2017

When was the last time you used your brains?

This environment that I'm going to tell you about has a very comforting ambiance. I almost feel like afraid to lose this kind of comfort once I start to think about continuing my study. But,

I'm getting tired

Have you ever feel it in your heart, the sickness that you just couldn't bear anymore. Take this example, you are fat.  You never lose weight and its hard for you to do so. You cried every time but you couldn't do anything, yet every damn person told you that you are fat as if you never knew it yourself. As if you never notice the big belly or the humongous thigh you have sitting there very quietly. When you heard it the first time, you smiled. Second time, you laughed at yourself. Third time, doesn't matter, you still enjoyed living as you. Ten thousand time, you cried. Two hundred thousand time, you might do some suicide. 

Its like that. But the thing that I have, according to the people I met there, is a positive one. A very positive one that it actually attract one person into saying that she wish she was me. However, if you are being told the same thing over and over again, even though you are aware of that kind of information, you know that that condition is actually the fact, you will get sick. You will get tired. You will end up unhappy. 

I want you to know, all of you, that I know. I know I'm that person you described. I know you call me that and I never disagree. I'm just tired hearing that repeatedly said over and over again. Can you stop? 

I'm starting to feel grateful to have such wonderful colleagues in college. I once thought that my college friends were super tight and super serious. Sometimes boring. But having to know this person here, in this very place, make me realize that they are awesome. 

Have you ever feel degraded for just a tiny mistake you made, which might be incidental, but they just keep degrading you that it is now hard for you to accept it as a joke? I have. 
They are always hiding behind the terms of joke. 

haha lol I was just joking, don't take it seriously. 

Seriously? You were joking? How come your joke hurts my ear anyway...? 
I don't want to call my self as a sensitive one. I am never sensitive around friends, except when I feel left out, which I experienced once. But I always realize that I love to joke around friends. Its my thing. But, when you do something wrong, very little, very tiny, not even noticeable, and your friends mocking you, degrading you as if you are super stupid that you start to hate yourself. Isn't that the best feeling ever? 

I'm not going to say that these people aren't using their brains or something. But I ask literally, when was the last time they used their brains anyway... 
Do you think your jokes fit perfectly in every damn condition, every damn time?  Does it ever enter your mind that your joke might not be as funny as the last time, or might not fit the condition, or might end up hurting people around you? You always say that you are a big joker. But do you know what are you instead of a joker? You are a self-centered person. Very toxic. 

I almost everyday asked myself why people really wants to get to know you yet you are actually not that good. You might be good in the outside, but once you're inside, or once people know your deep dark habit, they might go away. 

Self-centered person is very toxic, like I said. They will never listen to you, they always want to be heard. They won't consider your choice, they'll follow what they desire. 

I literally can't wait to get outta here. 

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